Remember, when you used to laugh

I think I want to be abused. Somehow. It makes such amazing things develop in people when they're faced with it for the rest of their lives. I know that sounds selfish, and it is, but I'm just too normal. I've gone through stuff of course, most of it I don't remember, and it doesn't affect me, I wish I was a weaker person sometimes; I'm not, I'm uptight, screwed shut and I don't let emotions get the better of me. I'm stupid and ugly when you look at me like that. But that's how I want to be looked at - I'd rather be a hive for sad looks and mumbled sentiments than one for fake half sentences like 'he's so cute' or 'you're funny' - why the fuck would I care about that. I need to stop being so harsh.

I can't really soak up emotion into the things I write, when most of it I don't really understand, no one I know has experienced it; I definitely haven't. It's a shame. I want some tragedy and perversion to creep into my pores, I haven't experienced enough, I'm mostly a boring person. I want a shock to my system to completely destroy what I think about everything and anything, to leave me skinless and bald. And of course naked, who would forget that.

I guess this all makes for a ugly read, but I'm glad, this is what I think about most days. Life is so dull at the moment, waiting around for people to talk to isn't what I want to be doing. I really wish I had something I was obsessed with, something I wanted to know more about, or even something I was afraid of. Just something. Keep me busy, keep me alert, keep me awake even. Some days I'm not even getting dressed, I'm slumping about, in my boxers, with my spindly weedy frame just laid out. All pale and depressing. I'm spending too much time with a blank face and a blank stare, I'm losing my edge.

Can you please come and help us by teaching us some piano and how to sing? I guess I have a voice, but it's not broken in, it's weak and lazy and defiant sometimes. It often doesn't sound how I want and expect it to. I need help. I don't know how it sounds, I guess that is the main problem here - I don't know what I'm doing. But yeah, some lessons, would be wonderful. If I could find even half the emotion to put into things to make them more real, more beautiful, more raw, that Perfume Genius does, then I would do anything for it. I want to send shivers down peoples spines, make them second guess themselves when they hear what I say, make them cringe at how blunt I'm being, make them sigh. I'm such an ugly piece of shit sometimes. Ah well, that's me.