The good times are killing me.

pull my teeth out of my mouth

and leave me with bleeding gums

then i wont be able to interupt you

even though your voice is cracked

even ringing out of tune

still sounds beautiful under my lispy croon

youve been pushing me under all the pouring rain

splashes blur out the screaming i can hear within

your face is some kind of bruised porcelain

the way your tongue grazes the roof of your mouth

stopped me from listening

as all the quotes running off your teeth

about all the boys you loved and then about me

the sweats set in my pores begin to ache

im realising this is the pain im due

so you can bury me underneath you

you can bury me underneath you

forget about all the useless

words i constantly spew

and take me shove me deep

in the dirt underneath you

It's not great where I am right now. But thank god it's roomy.

I think I'm going insane - first I write that, then I write this:

i love you more than i know i should

and i know that looks ugly to read

but i mean this for once

im going to shout

and youre going to pay attention

im going to talk to you honestly

but honestly the way you look

breaks me out in fevers and in sweats

i want to rip off both eye lids

so i cant even strain myself to blink

eventually im going to shrivel up

from lack of fluids

and this is the worse thing ive ever felt

as now that everyone else is all together

and now that ive never felt more apart

none of you will know just what it is youve got

until you feel like me

some things are better left unsaid

this conversation is how i got

the bullet hole in my head

i feel like youve be gone forever

I'm losing my edge.

Arguments are made for make-ups

Bloody brilliant this. A weekend where I can do what I feel like doing, and then a week full of packed revision - not so enjoyable. However I think this weekend is going to be a good 'un. My exam today went pretty swimmingly, even if I did make some unfortunate mistakes; UMS should straighten that all out for me. Good afternoon as well. Saw her, did nothing, and as per usual it felt like doing a lot of things. It was nice to say the least. I was quite quiet for once - it was and odd feeling, knowing what to say but deciding not to say it.

Right but away from that load of shite. Seeing Vidler for a spot of music tomorrow, going to try and ease the cogs a bit; get the ball rolling; insert other fairly mundane and very unnecessary puns. Hopefully I'll stumble and he'll make something wonderful this time. Highly doubtful as I'm more of a hindrance than an asset, but you never know, maybe we'll get lucky this time. I hope so - I want to do this properly and better than anything else I've ever decided to do.

Short one this time gents.

the air i breath might be fake

but the water i drink is real

and the way you look in a summer dress

is the most beautiful thing i have ever

wanted to get out of my head

im going to die but im going to look

fucking good when i do

but if you die with me

youre going to look awful

ill rip out your perfect curls

and mail them straight back to you

if itll make you feel

better the morning after

you said that we should lay here

while you put on your

favourite chapterhouse song

but i dont want to waste my time

on something i cant grip on to

so i turn off your speakers

and speak straight into your face

i just want to let you know

that i just need to be let go

im going to die but im going to look

fucking good when i do

but if you die with me

youre going to look awful

ill rip out your perfect curls

and mail them straight back to you

if itll make you feel

better the morning after

i want to gather up all this negativity

and stuff it down your throat

to bring back up your lunch

and make you slim and perfect again

like the girl that i fell in love with

at the tender age of seven

but fondness for her is replaced by

a cherishing for all the things

youre not ever going to be again

im going to die but im going to look

fucking good when i do

but if you die with me

youre going to look awful

ill rip out your perfect curls

and mail them straight back to you

if itll make you feel

better the morning after

you tell me youd break my neck

before youd let me get away from you

but i have to escape i have to run away

but not before i tell you this

the look on your face when i said

that i dont love you

was absolute fucking bliss

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nk6v6JYZ_OA -- repping that.

Must get to France so we can French kiss some French girls

Be smiley.

You're worrying me.

I know I'm boring but don't be bored.

Just find someone more exciting

and spend time with them. Please?

And so it continues...

Top Five EPs; she did so I did too, that's how life works.

Bon Iver - Blood Bank EP

"See how they resemble one another, even in that plastic little cover"

Deerhunter - Rainwater Cassette Exchange
"I forget tomorrow"

Animal Collective - Water Curses EP

"There's a gypsies face marked on my pill"

Grizzly Bear - Friend EP
"And I'll sleep, just put the pillows under my head"

Los Campesinos! - We Are Beautiful, We Are Doomed
"I seduced your ex-boyfriend, to help you get over him"

For the record here are my favourite songs of the decade: Limited to a lovely 25 and in no particular order as that would be the death of me:

ANIMAL COLLECTIVE - PURPLE BOTTLE

GIRLS - LUST FOR LIFE

LCD SOUNDSYSTEM - ALL MY FRIENDS
CYMBALS EAT GUITARS - WIND PHOENIX
PARENTHETICAL GIRLS - FORWARD TO FORGET

TITUS ANDRONICUS - TITUS ANDRONICUS

WHY? - CRUSHED BONES
XIU XIU - YOU ARE PREGNANT YOU, YOU ARE DEAD
JAPANDROIDS - WET HAIR

FRIGHTENED RABBIT - POKE

GORILLAZ - SUPERFAST JELLYFISH

FORMER GHOSTS - DREAMS
FOALS - HEAVY WATER
FANG ISLAND - DAISY
GRIZZLY BEAR - SOUTHERN POINT
DIRTY PROJECTORS - CANNIBAL RESOURCE
BEAR IN HEAVEN - LOVESICK TEENAGERS

THE ANTLERS - TWO

ATLAS SOUND w/NOAH LENNOX - WALKABOUT
BEACH HOUSE - APPLE ORCHARD

BRIGHT EYES - AT THE BOTTOM OF EVERYTHING

FOUR TET - ANGEL ECHOES

BROKEN SOCIAL SCENE - ALMOST CRIMES
BRAND NEW - YOU WON'T KNOW

DEERHUNTER - NOTHING EVER HAPPENED

A quick run-down.

So here it is; my top 15 of the decade - this took me a long time to decide on:

Explosions In The Sky - All Of A Sudden I Miss Everyone

"_____"

Bright Eyes - I'm Wide Awake It's Morning

''But failure's always sounded better"

Wolf Parade - Apologies To The Queen Mary

''I said pretend it's whales, keeping their voices down"

jj - No 2

''Whatever I do I'm ready to die"

Xiu Xiu - Knife Play

"Throw my head out the window, cement my feet into the dark"

WHY? - Elephant Eyelash

''There's no mound of clouds to lounge on"

Grizzly Bear - Horn Of Plenty

''You are my alligator"

Modest Mouse - The Moon & Antarctica

"Well it took a lot of work to be the ass I am"

Deerhunter - Microcastle

"I lose my voice, I know, but I've nothing left to say"

Cymbals Eat Guitars - Why There Are Mountains

"And I was green too with robust fucked envy"

Los Campesinos! - Romance Is Boring

"But this one sentence bludgeons me over the head"

Girls - Album
"Meet me in the sky tonight, we could fly away together"

The Antlers - Hospice
"I'm trying to dig you out but all you want is to be buried there together"

Animal Collective - Strawberry Jam
''Now I can't walk in a vacuum, I feel ugly, feel my pores"

Former Ghosts - Fleurs
"Speak Louder Speak Louder Speak Louder"

We are a romanian sound collage searching for the ghosts of past sinners

Right then - revision today, not bad, not good, but not bad - have to tomorrow to do a large amount of Physics tests; that way I'm all prepared eh? I should be more prepared already; I should of done some today, but I'm feeling sheepish today. Where does that phrase come from? Are sheep weird introverted shy creatures? Fuck no, you walk near a sheep and it just goes completely ape: 'BAA BAA NOTICE ME BAA BAA' - pretty much like me then, oh I just answered my question.

I'm finding Crystal Castles and their new album oddly transfixing in it's brash bold ugly noise and then soft but strong melodies - It just pulls me in. Not that I'd ever want to make music like that, too much weight on my shoulders if I did - I'd be expected to be this doom-filled angst ridden youth with an anxiety complex writing dark music to make myself feel better; my music isn't quite dark enough to fulfil that roll unfortunately.

Wrote something new and it bothers me - it's so much more straightforward than my other ones; it follows and obvious pattern, not in a cliché, ignorant way, just in a sensible way. I don't want to make sensible songs, I want to do something new and wonderful. But if it gets the go ahead from the big man then sure as hell I'll use it. His judgement is less cynical than mine. Maybe I should work on that - maybe I should embrace myself more; let me be me. Or I could do what I'm used to doing.

Ripping up the thought of ever doing anything good and tearing myself apart over it - then making her pick me up and put me back together; it's worked thus far, why shouldn't it work forever. Or until it ends. I hope it isn't soon, I don't want to see it coming over the horizon and hurtling towards me like some ominous fist ready to fuck up all my years of dental work.

Major break down today. Bigger than before. Much worse - Camera. Black spot. Every picture. Drove me to the point of threatening my camera that I'll rip it's little Sony bollocks off if it fucks with me again. But I'm fine now. As you can obviously tell.

Things are looking up.

I need to get a microphone and an effects pedal. Maybe if I can make my voice more of an instrument before I start singing any words I can have an impact on the sound I want to hear. And I want to surprise people, make them look at me differently//so I can finally look how I want to sound. And maybe, like I've wanted to for so long, I'll come across this sound that both contrasts and compliments what the Boys write and let me finally make something I can look on as something I want to show people to make them like me.

when you were gone i think i went blind

i couldnt see the mess youve made of me

everytime i tried to move i sighed

i dont know where im supposed to go

am i meant to go back to loving you

now that you've grown your breasts again

with one change is it all meant to change

rip out your throat so you dont bring it up

I feel like i should just sit here

in the empty husk of morning

and make friends with the spiders

and their meals

hiding away in the cobwebs

im going to let myself rot

just so no one sees me broken

youve shown me what to make of my life

i just want to go back to sleep

but not before ive killed my wife

bury her deep inside my ribcage

dont let anyone else see her

i shouldve done this years ago

im not letting this hurt show

im going to ruin your face

until youre unrecognisable

just so when they see me

they know you havent come home

and to think i used to really like you

but you never thought to like me

Night ladies. You aren't boring BECKY. You inspire me to no end.

I'm a deep sea diver losing air

I can't say sibilant consonants - I can't make them harsh enough, they come up out in this muddled hissing noise. But only sometimes. I dislike the sound but think the idea of it is a great one - it makes me more distinct, because I'm really not. Too standard for my own good really.

I want to stop everything right now - just stop days coming up and just sit and make some music; anything I want to, eventually I'm bound to stumble onto something brilliant; isn't that what people do? Plod along at a pace of their choosing, going unnoticed, uninteresting and ultimately unappealing until they find something wonderful that no one else has thought of yet. A sound, a phrase, a picture, a painting even just a look.

I want that. I want to make something I can get lost in - but I want to be able to hold on to it to, I guess that's the best way of describing my music taste.

Stuff that rips you the fuck away from everything - but lets you hold on while it does it.

But failures always sounded better

So a fairly dismal day I had today.
Nice little failing of my Maths AS exams to sprinkle it with more joy than I can handle on my cupcakes.

Sigh - oh well, bit of frenzied revision for other subjects should balance that out nicely.
To more important things;
I really out to learn to play my guitar to a higher standard, I want to be writing little melodies and things - and I can see them in my head but can't get them down on paper or on fretboard. This is a big annoying ugly problem of mine.

I want to so I can be more integral - I'm this sort of useless part at the moment, I can't help with anything really remotely useful; sure I'm writing, but words are the finishing touches - a good song is dictated by good music, it only then can be a great song - and I need to help do this, or I'm just going to feel like I'm stuck in the side-car while everyone rides the motorcycle - I went for something macho for once, it sounded better in my head.

But even more importantly. I just need to let go, one evening, one evening just to do whatever the fuck I want to do with whoever the fuck I want to do it with, I say but there is just one person. She must be bored with me by now - but I at least think she really likes me, and that's a start.

I should be more optimistic - and more carefree; I think too much about everything, about everyone and about nothing. Why it is I do this is in the hands of some doctor somewhere who I can never remember the name of, and who probably doesn't care about me anyway - so why should I care what he thinks. Off the pills, but back on the brain. Not fun - but mundane now.

Thankfully I am more nonchalant now - about my exams (not that I don't piss myself and rip any attempt she has made to cheer me up in a few swift and immediately regrettable phrases) going well or going badly as the case might be. That chord is back though - it actually rings in my head while I sleep, I taste it in my throat when I wake up; but it isn't the same one as before, this is my one, the one I want to write down and be happy about - fat fucking chance.

Yeahyeahyeah. Two As. A B. And a D. Now doesn't that just tickle your fancy.

She was pure mischief: a pixie.

'Get yourself over. It's heaven up here'

I don't agree with reading books in bits, just like how I don't agree with listening to an album in bits - I think it takes something away from it; time and effort has been made to put the tracks in that order so that they come one after they other and time and effort should be made to listen to them as such. The same can be said for books, the author has decided to tell the story in this way in this order and you should decide to read it like it's being told to you straight off - not in bits.

However I've had the unfortunate interruption of revision and stress and lack of time to read this book in that way; but that doesn't matter - this book is one of the few good things I've taken time to involve myself with recently. Go out, get it and fucking read.

Anyway regardless of my love for this book, I didn't have time to read it because I've been too busy revising for two exams I am most definitely definitely definitely going to fail. Maths and Mechanics. Nothing goes in, nothing comes out and I am left with a big fat zero.

And that's exactly what I want to do right now, nothing. I don't want to sleep, I don't want to sing or talk, I don't want to do anything at all.

Other than sleep next to her. That might make me content. And taking pictures of something in a way I can look back and smile on - not the usual crap.

Run the water 'till it scolds.

Silence is usually the best thing.
Won't help here.
I am the worst thing in the fucking world.
I want to rip my fucking tongue out.
I have never felt more enclosed.
I don't care if I feel better - as long as you do.

And I hate having to talk through a fucking screen.

You think over and over, "hey, I'm finally dead."

I think I'm becoming too morbid - I spit this stuff out regularly, and I'm usually not happy with it, it starts morbid always however, and only proceeds to become denser and scarier, oh well; at least I don't write about saving princesses from dinosaurs.

my soft hair stinks of piss

from my own drunken misses

and i guess i shouldve collapsed

somewhere else on somebody elses time

ive been drinking hard liquor all night

but i cant get my features quite right

going for that effortlessly fucked look

everyone else got pinned down

three years ago

and i guess ill have to stay here for a while

i wont look at you if you stop making me smile

ill leave finesse to someone smarter

but im a fucking cigarette

ill burn your lungs out

from your throat

with sick in my mouth i try kiss you

and you swallow every last little drop

you suck everything out from in me

and leave me to collapse

but i jump out your window and i fall

and i run run run on my own two feet

faster than you can walk from me

I stick three fingers in your mouth

and two fingers up your nose

maybe youll choke on me

so i can stopping choking on you

tread your face into the dirt

and push it so it fills the gaps

in your teeth

you tell me my life is over

i tell you im just getting started

ive got a lot more things to do here

i promise you theyre not going to hurt

you better watch where you put your tongue

im tired of all your sexual advances

the only thing im looking to do with you

is spit these words right into your eyes

grow out my hair to hide my face

i cant wait to break this space

and let you really know

how much you tore me ah

how much you tore me ah

how much you tore me ah

how much you tore me apart

I lost the file, so this is from memory.

Just cause I'm shallow doesn't mean that I'm heartless

Could be my bike there. If I could ride one.

SOOOO
Here we go. My first exam. Pissing myself I'm so excited. At least I can do more revision the hours before I have it. It should go ok; Chemistry is one of the subjects I'm more confident in - and if I feel like I'm going to do well then hey maybe I will. I said maybe - no promises.

Anyway I don't come here to talk about work, I come here to escape from it. That's something I'd like to do - escape from things, everything - go somewhere no one knows me, there are no prior opinions and everything looks ever so slightly less disastrous. That would be good. To get away from everything, everyone - except for her maybe, I can't escape what I don't want to.

Somewhere everyone looks like death. Haha I don't know why - but wouldn't that make everything so much more, well depressing. But you know, I think I would like that, if everyone else was depressed and dying maybe I would be happier and run around and be more alive, more of person and less of a hermit? Apparently in Sweden they are like that, almost decomposing all year round until that little glimpse they get of summer for a month - when they explode out of their skins and dance like they're all on heat, well most of them probably are.

But yeah Sweden.

Sounds pretty fucking perfect to me. I love winter - I love how pale people become this odd fluorescent colour, me included; I just like feeling cleaner, summer is a messy season, winter is cleansing and sterile. But Sweden in particular seems wonderful to me, the music that comes out is so obviously influenced by it's skewed, doom laden atmosphere that comes about from having winter all the fucking time - it's cold, distant and yet always arresting makes you pay attention. And shows how much they fucking love their summer. You get this perverse winter in all Swedish music - but then blossoming moments of summer, glimmers, not full scenes just glimmers.

So I'm going there, I've decided, I'm taking a gap year for a reason. I'll take a guitar (because hopefully I won't be a musical cripple by then), some sketch pads and a couple of hundred biros; probably nothing else. And hopefully I'll come back with scrawled drawings, writings and a fuck ton of inspiration. Hopefully. Or you know I could come back with a moustache and herpes. Either way we cool.

Anyway exam tomorrow looks set to be a brilliant hour and a half of joyous head scratching and mild panic attacks when I can't do at least half the questions.

Like I said. Here we go.

Oh one more thing - as someone felt the need to mention Spanish boys, I feel the need to express how fucking fit Swedish girls are. Too bad they're all blonde and blonde girls make me gag. Yes I'm not always this eloquent.

FUCK EVERYTHING, FUCK ME

You fucking heard you cunts.

i dont have any vital organs

just a tongue and my yellow shattered teeth

pick them up off the vomit covered toilet seat

put them back in my mouth to smile at you

Don't spend time with me you have far more important people to think about.
I'm nothing.

Don't touch him he might have diseases

Yes I am a loser.

One fucking chord.
I am obsessed with one fucking chord.
It is the simplest thing I have ever heard. AND I CAN'T STOP THINKING ABOUT IT.
I want to write that. That one chord that makes someone, somewhere completely fucking mental.

Right ho to business then.
There's this little thing, comes about every month or so, called a family meal. I hate my family. Not in a 'OH I HATE MY FAMILY - IT'S SO UNNNNFAIR' way. No. I just hate my family. With a passion. So this evening came about today, I dreaded it, but it still happened, and now, having just got home, I feel like punching myself in the face until I can't remember what just happened
How can anyone talk about nothing for so long?
I swear they were literally saying BLAH BLAH FUCKING BLAH I'M SO PREGNANT BLAH - I of course contributed nothing at all, did this bother them? Not in the slightest, you see I'm the weird one in my family, I'm allowed to be quiet and not look at anyone, I prefer it, a lot.

But again rant over.

So this bloody chord. I know which one it is, but I don't want to succumb to playing it, I just want to put it out of my head and ignore it - unfortunately I keep listening to the song, and cramming it down other people's throats, in the hope they'll go insane as well - but fat chance of that, I'm the weird one.

I think my Scottish accent is coming through, I can sing in it perfectly now, talking is more difficult, but still - I don't want that again, my lisp practically explodes out of my throat when I do have it, spraying anyone and everyone with dirty globules of unpronounceable saliva. But maybe I'll use to my advantage, convince people I'm someone else, have some fun - but that's not likely, I don't have much fun at the moment.

Who the hell wants to say fetish anyway.

How long is a strong minute?

Am I meant to make another post quickly or in a long time from now?
Someone help.

I've got shin-splints and a stench from weed

So then. Today wasn't my most productive, ended up floundering around at a friend's house rather than actually staying home and revising.
But hey ho. I still did that paper in the morning, that sort of guessed, mark scheme assisted paper I did. Sigh.

No more ranting.

I'm done with that, I should do something happier, something that makes other people smile, not me, but other people - that would keep me happy, I guess. I don't even care what it is, jumping up and down in the middle of the street screaming Los Campesinos lyrics would be a start though - I reckon I would enjoy that, and it would definitely make someone smile at least. But how about just getting up when the old lady stops to sit down further back on the bus than she could've done - wait, what am I talking about - far too much of a dick.

But that's what's important - not how other people see me, just whether they smile when they do. Wouldn't that be nice? I think so. I'm a little shit at heart - I just haven't managed to find the need to let that out yet, I'm much stupider than I seem; much much much. I attempted to steal the Mechanics revision guides - but was stopped just short of the door, I'm too goofy to be a thief and far too tall to go unnoticed.

Well that'll do won't it? Be back in a strong minute.

Pasteboard decked out in Ikea finery

She did - so I decided to.

And yes the one right above is very depressing, but I like it a lot so maybe I'm the depressing one.

So yes, my photos are a bit shit this time, but She hogged the camera and I had to be the lovely and very unattractive model.
Sigh - NEXT////.

Beat beat me to death I said it.

So. First day of exam leave yeah?
First day of revision.
But like actually. I was really surprised with myself, managed to make notes on the whole of Unit 1 chemistry - that being said I'm still fucked for mechanics, like beyond fucked.
It's not that I can't do it, I can (no I can't) - just not when it decides to be really retarded and try and trick me, I mean why aren't exams nice little things that people look forward to - to show off how much they've learnt that year.

Learning is fun.

It is - learning is bloody awesome. I know so much useless stuff, like there are fucking 29 volcanoes in Alaska, TWENTY NINE - that's just ridiculous. But yeah anyway, I enjoy learning, but I hate tests. Why should I prove that I've learnt this stuff when I don't need to? I'm intelligent enough (for a complete idiot) without having some per cents next to my name on a fancy certificate.

SO FUCK TESTS.
But not really, my balls are not nearly that big. I am stressing my scrotum off here. If I actually sweated I would be stuck to this fancy little leather chair I'm sitting in, but at least I'm off to a healthy start - oh and I have Bs on my art, so I have a nice foothold to get that stupidly high A - although I do doubt I will get it, I'm not nearly good enough for that, my teacher said I am, but she is practically insane, so I'm not taking her word over my own cynical hating one.

OH AND YOU'RE A BITCH JUST LET ME SEE YOU IN GLASSES JUST THE ONCE AND I WON'T LAUGH.

Anyway that's enough self-deprecating for today.

Defecate on the lawns of the barbies and kens

So essentially I've just created this post to use that name.

But as I'm here;
I can't concentrate on what I really need to be focusing on right now, that is chemistry revision, however I have been managing to concentrate on completely nothing at all somehow.
Time is escaping me and I really should buckle the fuck down.

Oh well can always apply for that Mcdonalds A level course if all goes ass up. She should really stop worrying about things and be happier.

Some people give themselves to a lover...

She - is Miss Rebecca Louise Lushey - not that anyone cares.

[coughnoticemecough]//

you sound vunerable and pathetic

retching all over my bathroom floor boards

you have no reason for all this self pity

i dont know whats making you so unhappy

but if everyone else is unhappy too then why shouldnt you be

the spit dripping out your mouth hits the basin tunelessly

and id hold your hair away from your face

if it would make me feel any better about

the way you look in sweats and your sick sheened hair

and the scratches that snake up your long forearms

wear me out while everythings alright

but not when youre feeling neglected

break your back to keep you tight

and let us lie here in parenthesis

bloody up your face to make me care

about your crooked nose and teeth again

scream out to make me look at them

just get out and leave me bare

I've got style miles and miles so much style that it's wasting

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Fuck me. I am the most exhausted I have ever been well ever.

Bloody art exam. I'm not happy with my piece that I just spent eight long laborious hours, and I doubt I ever will be, it sucks. The yellow is wrong. One of the wing cut outs is fucked. AND I HATE IT SO MUCH.

But anyway - I'm exhausted and really should've slept earlier last night, but I wanted to watch Jools so I could get a feel for the LCD Soundsystem live show - I'm going to have so much fun at Reading, so apparently I'm going to be bum raped every five seconds by the douche that's standing riiiight behind me - so what? So the main stage isn't greeeeat this year - at least the NME stage makes up for it.
Sigh - I wish i could write more, and I wish I could play more instruments - then maybe I could help lift this music business of the ground, unfortunately...

I suck.

But you know - Vidler, the musical genius he is, needs only the lightest of prods to really get going, so at least I can rely on that for now. My voice has gone croaky, NO I haven't caught her cough and NO I'm not going to, I've just been really tired so I can't sing for shit. I should write more, I'm beginning to enjoy myself here.

But at least I can still sing more than she can.

Maybe going to Fiffle's on the 29th is a major bad idea - but who would I be if I didn't get fucked every couple of hours? Oh my sheep are going to be so awesome.