We are a romanian sound collage searching for the ghosts of past sinners

Right then - revision today, not bad, not good, but not bad - have to tomorrow to do a large amount of Physics tests; that way I'm all prepared eh? I should be more prepared already; I should of done some today, but I'm feeling sheepish today. Where does that phrase come from? Are sheep weird introverted shy creatures? Fuck no, you walk near a sheep and it just goes completely ape: 'BAA BAA NOTICE ME BAA BAA' - pretty much like me then, oh I just answered my question.

I'm finding Crystal Castles and their new album oddly transfixing in it's brash bold ugly noise and then soft but strong melodies - It just pulls me in. Not that I'd ever want to make music like that, too much weight on my shoulders if I did - I'd be expected to be this doom-filled angst ridden youth with an anxiety complex writing dark music to make myself feel better; my music isn't quite dark enough to fulfil that roll unfortunately.

Wrote something new and it bothers me - it's so much more straightforward than my other ones; it follows and obvious pattern, not in a cliché, ignorant way, just in a sensible way. I don't want to make sensible songs, I want to do something new and wonderful. But if it gets the go ahead from the big man then sure as hell I'll use it. His judgement is less cynical than mine. Maybe I should work on that - maybe I should embrace myself more; let me be me. Or I could do what I'm used to doing.

Ripping up the thought of ever doing anything good and tearing myself apart over it - then making her pick me up and put me back together; it's worked thus far, why shouldn't it work forever. Or until it ends. I hope it isn't soon, I don't want to see it coming over the horizon and hurtling towards me like some ominous fist ready to fuck up all my years of dental work.

Major break down today. Bigger than before. Much worse - Camera. Black spot. Every picture. Drove me to the point of threatening my camera that I'll rip it's little Sony bollocks off if it fucks with me again. But I'm fine now. As you can obviously tell.

Things are looking up.

I need to get a microphone and an effects pedal. Maybe if I can make my voice more of an instrument before I start singing any words I can have an impact on the sound I want to hear. And I want to surprise people, make them look at me differently//so I can finally look how I want to sound. And maybe, like I've wanted to for so long, I'll come across this sound that both contrasts and compliments what the Boys write and let me finally make something I can look on as something I want to show people to make them like me.

when you were gone i think i went blind

i couldnt see the mess youve made of me

everytime i tried to move i sighed

i dont know where im supposed to go

am i meant to go back to loving you

now that you've grown your breasts again

with one change is it all meant to change

rip out your throat so you dont bring it up

I feel like i should just sit here

in the empty husk of morning

and make friends with the spiders

and their meals

hiding away in the cobwebs

im going to let myself rot

just so no one sees me broken

youve shown me what to make of my life

i just want to go back to sleep

but not before ive killed my wife

bury her deep inside my ribcage

dont let anyone else see her

i shouldve done this years ago

im not letting this hurt show

im going to ruin your face

until youre unrecognisable

just so when they see me

they know you havent come home

and to think i used to really like you

but you never thought to like me

Night ladies. You aren't boring BECKY. You inspire me to no end.